I am afraid of sports balls. No, not in that weird phobia way like they show on The Maury Povich show, people confronting their fear of tomatoes or rocks. I am afraid of sports balls because they hurt. You see, all my life my face has been a magnet for these bouncing objects of death. Now by the grace of God, I have never been hit in the face with a bowling ball. That is surely why I am so pretty. Just kidding. Because of the pain caused by these rubberized decapitators, I have a hard time trusting them.
Recently, I have begun to wonder how much my relationship with sports balls reflects my relationship with God. Now, He hasn't ever hit me in the face and given me a black eye, but there are times that I wonder if He truly does desire good for me. Often I wonder if I can really trust Him with me: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I mean, can God handle this broken, awkward, accident prone guy who still sins every so often.
I ask this because I believe He has given me very specific dreams about my future, things that stir my heart. One such desire is to be a husband and a father who loves my wife passionately and raises his children with the knowledge that they are loved and valued because God says they are. But when dating is hard and I become this awkward and sometimes creepy ball of nerves, I wonder if this dream will ever become a reality.
The there is the desire to reach others with the gospel. As many of you know I have a heart for Muslims and for helping others see what living in community is all about. Yet, I continue to sin. Now, I know that I live in the flesh till the day I die, but it is maddening to fear screwing up big time and bringing shame to the people I love.
Honestly, I feels as if I am constantly coming up against this issue. Thankfully, in the midst of it all, I continue to find the truth of the Word of God and His people who are continually speaking into my life (though some do more harm than help).
It is this hope of trust that I have to lean on. You see, God and I have a long history on which I can rely. Many times I have sinned, and he welcomes me into His loving arms. Many times I have seen the Glory of the Lord and felt His presence, only to walk away the next day. I know what Brennan Manning means when he says in his book Ruthless Trust, "... the personal experience of the glory of Jesus, the shattering encounter with the transcendent/ immanent Christ, is the foundation of the faith and the hope that forms and informs a life of naked trust."
My trust is no complete though. Doubt creeps in and I wonder if the Truth is still the Truth. But as 2 Peter 1:9 says, speaking of the qualities of the believer, " For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins." I walk who God says I am. May I not close my eyes or choose short sightedness when it comes to who I am and who I have been made through the blood of Christ. I echo the words of the father whose paralytic child was healed, "I believe. Help my unbelief (Mark 9:24)."
I choose to trust God, even in the craziness of life. I choose to rely on the promises that God has given and the desires of my heart, knowing that someday they will be fulfilled. I choose to trust that he holds, carries, and sustains this awkward child of God who desires after Him. This is who I am, a saint that still sins but know that God is in control.
I think I might go play some soccer now.
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